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Das Gefühl, oben zu stehen, ist für mich selten geworden

Derzeit kommt jedes Mal, wenn ich mich halbwegs berappelt habe, der nächste Rückschlag. Letzte Woche neue Einlagen, zwei volle Tage Wandern mit den Wanderfreunden ohne Schmerzen. Ein neues Lebensgefühl, Hoffnung. Am dritten Tag fing es dann langsam wieder an, sich irritiert anzufühlen, aber noch ohne stärkere Schmerzen. Am vierten Tag haben wir nur noch eine kleine Tour gemacht, da blieb es unverändert. Es folgte ein schöner Tag zu zweit und ein ganzer Tag Pause, wo ich meine vielen Bilder am Computer sortierte. Das irritierte Gefühl blieb leider, schwer zu beschreiben. Der Fuß kribbelt und bizzelt wie unter Strom. Unangenehm, aber nicht schmerzhaft.

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Theories, just theories …

Today I maneuvered into an overload situation. Nausea attack became overwhelming at work. I felt dizzy and couldn’t concentrate on the screens anymore. My colleagues reacted immediately and called the emergency service at the airport to announce my arrival. The emergency doctor measured blood pressure and gave me something against nausea, a rather sparse examination in my eyes, ignoring dizziness. I told about suspecting kidney stones at first because renal colics started similar a couple of years ago, I went to the urologist a few days earlier but everything was clean. The doctor didn’t believe me and squinched up her face. I decided to visited another emergency doctor, an emergency general practitioner recommended a few months earlier. To do so, however, I had to get off this infrastructurally fucked up airport. Crowded people all over the platform. The first suburban train arriving has been quickly filled up with a bunch of loud tourists with fat suitcases. Moreover, it was an old one without air-conditioning. I couldn’t stand the combination of crowded train without a place to sit and heated up, too. I got out before the train departed and left the platform. Thinking … I could have taken a cab but additional communication skills would have been needed then. I finally decided for another train, a main-line train, where I could at least have a seat and the seat besides was empty until arrival. Then I had to take the bus and a few meters to walk. The decision to visit another emergency doctor turned out to be a good idea. He took his time to explain my condition and asked enough questions to get a good impression of what was going on. I felt understood. Still a difficult way home. At first to the next open pharmastore (on a Saturday …), another round with crowded bus and to walk in the more crowded shopping mile Mariahilfer Straße in Vienna, then into the supermarket to get necessary food to endure the weekend. About 4 hours after I left work I was finally at home.

Now I’m sitting all the day in my apartment thinking about the same shit over and over. There is literally not a single piece of hope in my life at the moment. In a few days my hiking holiday starts… I have a gastrointestinal virus, still a bone edema and a problem with my peroneus nerve leading to numbness in my lower leg when I go hiking upward after a while. The weather forecast is full of shit, very unsettled with lots of showers and thunderstorms each day. I have a few days off later but they look rainy, too. I’m still looking forward to having company. It will be my only holiday with friends, so this gastro shit better gets lost. I don’t know how I should deal with the entire situation when I have to cancel this holiday, too. I fear going to see my general practitioner on Monday, therefore. I don’t accept a ”no” at the moment.

Year of the lost

2019 is the year of injuries. Physical and inside. It hurts each way. Jt questions any way how i could get in touch with people without doing any harm, to them, to me.

“win, loose, what’s the difference?” (manny, runaway train)

Anchor people – the flip side

Once I’ve written about the advantages of having anchor people, i.e., friends supporting you in life crisis, in situations where you feel unable to help yourself. Sometimes you only need a little push into the right direction and the clock is running. People with severe disabilities depend on professional assistence, life would be impossible or at least very difficult and rather uncomfortable. For people whose degree of disability will not qualify for having professional assistence, this way of acquiring the necessary help is closed. We need mentors and friends overtaking (for us) difficult tasks, like searching for necessary information, making a phone call, helping with shopping or just be there as a contact person in case of a meltdown or shutdown when communication with outsiders fails because of lack of understand for autistic needs. I had lots of anchor people throughout my life – otherwise I wouldn’t stand here as full-time worker with its own domicile. The flip side – as pointed out by my very appreciated blog colleague  – are “many, many connections where autistic people become dependent psychologically and structurally because they need him/her necessarily to be functional in the outside world.”

Wie wichtig sind Routinen?

Mich heilt nur die Natur

Die übliche Reaktion auf die Kundmachung depressiver Verstimmungen ist die Empfehlung, “unter die Leute zu gehen!” bzw. “rauszugehen.” Dabei erleben viele Autisten meist eine Gratwanderung zwischen dem Wunsch nach mehr Sozialkontakten und der gleichzeitigen Erschöpfung nach sozialen Aktivitäten. Diese sind selten den autistischen Bedürfnissen angepasst. Die Anfahrt kann bereits energieraubend sein, das Lokal hellhörig und laut, Stimmengewirr, klapperndes Geschirr, Verkehrslärm, Zigarettenrauch. Auch größere Gruppen sind anstrengend, wenn man mehrere Gespräche gleichzeitig hört. Für viele Autisten ist das eigene Zimmer oder die eigene Wohnung ein heiliges Refugium, ein wichtiger Rückzugsort, nach den eigenen Bedürfnissen eingerichtet. Abgeschirmt (bestenfalls) von Umgebungslärm, das Gegenteil von Menschenmassen in der Stadt und überfüllten Öffis.